The Londoness

Born in Paris.

Made in London.

Teller of London Tales.

In the Rude

I’m not sure what the Scrooge equivalent is for Valentine’s Day, but I am it. I do feel sorry for those singletons who are reminded in every one of London’s nooks and crannies that they are flying solo on February 14th. And it’s the general forced cheesiness of it all that makes me queasy. So this year, I’m ditching the roses and the violets and going for a fleshy, full-blooded whistle-stop tour of London’s saucy erotic art scene instead.

For Neon Junkies

Erotic art, London, Valentine's Day, God's own Junkyard

You can check into God’s Own Junkyard but you might never want to leave this neon Walthamstow wonderland of disco balls, film props and retro signage. There’s even a café called the Rolling Scones if you need a pause from the razzle-dazzle. You can stare, buy or hire these swanky pieces, some of which are on the naughty side of neon. God’s Own Junkyard

Fancy seeing you here

The Wallace Collection is full of badly-behaved art, and if you must get into the Valentine’s vibe, you can wander around the rubiest of red galleries showcasing some of my favourite paintings. There’s even a pretty in pink café (and yes, Cupid is  serving Valentine’s tea there).

Erotic art, London, Valentine's Day, Wallace Collection, Fragonard

The Swing  by Jean Honoré Fragonard was originally named Lucky Happenings on the Swing (Les hasards heureux de l’escarpolette), and it’s the painter’s most famous piece. It shows a young woman being pushed by a man (thought to be a cuckolded husband) in the background. In the foreground, we have a man looking up her skirt, possibly her lover, certainly an admirer. It’s a Rococo masterpiece and takes the top prize for me in the “Rude” Hall of Fame.

Erotic art, London, Valentine's Day, Wallace Collection

Cupid and Psyche, Filippo della Valle, Wallace Collection, London

Cupid (desire) and Pysche (soul) are often depicted as children, but their tale is one of adults, passion and jealousy.  Their story was adapted into the French novel La Belle et La Bête  (aka Beauty and the Beast, a screen version of which is coming to a cinema near you in March!)

Erotic art, London, Valentine's Day, Wallace Collection

Venus and Cupid Asleep, Jacques Charlier, Wallace Collection, London

Take a leisurely stroll around the Wallace Collection and you’ll come across some darling miniatures such as this one above: Venus and Cupid Asleep  by Jacques Charlier.

Erotic art, London, Valentine's Day, Wallace Collection

A Woman at her Toilet,  by French painter Antoine Watteau, is the subject of a Gallery Talk at the Wallace Collection with Laura Langelüddecke, Assistant Curator (28 February at 1 pm in the Small Drawing Room). I wonder who she is gazing at?


Va Va Voom!

Max Gill’s sizzling new version of Arthur Schnitzler’s La Ronde  has just opened at The Bunker Theatre, a new 110-seater studio theatre housed in a formed underground parking in London Bridge.

The original Austrian version was privately printed in 1900 but was not performed until 1920 when it caused a furore due its shockingly sexual storyline. Max Gill’s adaptation is set in South London in 2017. Four actors play a cast of ten using a roulette board to select which actor will play in the next scene, each instalment retaining one character from the previous: a prostitute seduces a bus driver, he then goes on to seduce a maid who then seduces her employer, and so on. The carnally-charged play comes full circle, ending with the prostitute from the first scene, resulting in over three thousand possible outcomes to this night of seduction, desire and lust.

La Ronde, erotic art London, Bunker Theatre

The sexy, gender-neutral cast of La Ronde includes Alex Vlahos (of Versailles fame), Amanda Wilkin, Leemore Marrett Jr and Lauren Samuels (photo – Ray Burmiston

Max Gill remarks that, “La Ronde in all its incarnations has always been a mirror to society’s sexual appetites and anxieties. Since it was first conceived, the rabbit-hole of desire has only deepened; the opportunity to explore how our sexuality creates us, how choice controls us, how desire defines us, has never been more exciting than today.”

La Ronde is playing at The Bunker Theatre from 11th February to 11th March, 2017. Tickets  £19.50 (£15 concessions) La Ronde – Collaborative Artists

A Scandal in Paris

Courtauld Gallery, Valentine's day, erotic art London

Female Nude, Amedeo Modigliani, The Samuel Courtauld Trust, The Courtauld Gallery, London

Modigliani’s Female Nude  caused quite a sensation when it was first exhibited in Paris, so much so that the police closed down the painter’s only solo exhibition in 1917 on the grounds of indecency. The Courtauld Gallery in Somerset House unashamedly flaunts the lady on its walls. Courtauld Gallery

Volupté at The Tate


 Valentine's day, erotic art London, erotic sculpture, Tate Britain

(Untitled,  Maria Bartuszova, Tate Modern)

Maria Bartuszová’s beautiful and sensuous organic sculptures are created using plaster which is poured into rubber balloons and tubes: ‘I shape the rubber by pressure or pulling and I let the plaster harden in the rubber – sometimes I do it in water and thus I partially eliminate earth’s gravity …’

 Valentine's day, erotic art London, erotic sculpture, Tate Britain

Ecstasy, Eric Gill, Tate Britain

It took Eric Gill seven months to carve Ecstasy  out of Hoptonwood stone. He was influenced by the embracing couples in the temple sculptures of India.

A very naughty boy

 Valentine's day, erotic art London, John Soane, William Hogarth

If you haven’t been to see The Rake’s Progress at the John Soane Museum, you really should go. It’s an absolute treat (more on that in my post here: Midnight in Paris)  The Orgy is the third painting in the series, and it sees a debauched and drunk Tom Rakewell enjoying the company of prostitutes in Covent Garden’s Rose Tavern. If you look closely, one of the prostitutes is relieving Tom of his watch. Another woman is getting undressed, and the motley crew all appear to be very merry. The women are covered in black spots (these are not beauty spots, but are marks of syphilis). Things are about to get very messy for Tom! John Soane Museum

It’s Allegorical, my dear

Cute little Cupid, with his cherubic features and his bow and arrow, the symbol of love and  erotic passion. But Cupid is also cheeky and mischievous, and he often seems to have a rather cosy relationship with his mother, Venus.

 Valentine's day, erotic art London, National Gallery

LEFT: Cupid watches over two pair of lovers in An Allegory of Love by Garofolo  (National Gallery, London). I love Cupid’s expression in this painting: I think he looks mildly embarrassed.   RIGHT: An Allegory with Venus and Cupid, Bronzino  (National Gallery London). Cupid kisses his mother Venus with Jest (boy with roses).  Fraud, Jealousy and Pleasure are in the frame, together with Time (the bearded fellow). What a party!

Mirror Mirror

Here’s Cupid again, with his mother Venus. It’s the only surviving nude by Velázquez, composed during the Spanish Inquisition when au naturel paintings were extremely rare. The work was attacked and badly damaged by suffragette Mary Richardson in 1914. Luckily for us, it was restored to its former glory.

 Valentine's day, erotic art London, National Gallery, Cupid, Venus

Rokeby Venus, Diego Velázquez, National Gallery, London.

The Lady Sizzles

 Valentine's day, erotic art London, Leighton House, Flaming June

Flaming June, Frederic Leighton, Museo de Arte de Ponce, The Luis A. Ferré Foundation, Inc.

Samuel Courtauld called Flaming June,  “The most wonderful painting in existence … a gorgeous piece of flamboyance.” As Victorian artwork became unfashionable, she disappeared for decades, only to be found again stashed in the back of an art gallery. She made her way to Puerto Rico and to the Museo de Arte de Ponce, now her permanent home. Luckily for London, Flaming June  is back until the 2nd April in her original home: The  Leighton House Museum. Lord Frederic Leighton was President of the Royal Academy and the only artist ever to have been enobled. His former home has been turned into a gem of a museum, tucked away in Holland Park. Leighton House Museum


Erotic art, Jo Brocklehurst, Valentine's day

Jo Brocklehurst’s London underground world of punks, fetishists, cabaret artists and drag is on show at the House of Illustration in King’s Cross. She drew live in clubs and squats during the 1970s and 1980s, and her vibrant portraits went on to inspire Jean Paul Gaultier’s fashion collections. Co-curated by Isabelle Bricknall, her model and muse, Jo Brocklehurst: Nobodies and Somebodies is on until May 17thHouse of Illustration

Queer Business

Featuring works from 1861-1967, Queer British Art is the first exhibition dedicated to LGBTQ art, and will include paintings by John Singer Sargent, Duncan Grant and David Hockney. At the Tate Britain from 5 April to 1st October 2017. Queer British Art

Queer Art, Valentine's day, erotic art London, Tate Britain, LGBT art

Sappho and Erinna in a Garden at Mytilene, Simeon Solomon, 1864, Tate Britain

Kinky Business

Sotherby's, Valentine's day, erotic art London, auction London

LEFT: Robert Mapplethorpe, ‘Bow and Arrow’ (Lisa Lyon), 1981. Estimate £6,000–8,000  RIGHT: Carved mahogany bed, second half 19th-century.  Estimate £500,000–800,000.

Sotheby’s is holding a spicy auction on the 16 February. The Erotic:Passion and Desire will include 19th century furniture, photography, sculpture and fine art.  Pre-sale exhibition at Sotheby’s New Bond Street from Saturday 11 until Wednesday 15 February. Sotheby’s

Eye Candy

Valentine's, Chocolates, Valentine's day, erotic art London

Who needs all that schmaltzy Valentine’s fanfare when you can have Capezzoli di Venere, or Nipples of Venus on Valentine’s Day? (Rococo) Or you could opt for a bite of the Kama Sutra from Philip Neal in Turnham Green (Philip Neal)

The Londoness Vault

Volf Roitman, geometric artist, Valentine's Day. erotic art London, Roitman

My father, the abstract-geometric artist Volf Roitman, was an incurable romantic. For as long as I can remember, he gave my mother an aromatic bouquet of flowers every Sunday.  One Valentine’s, he made her this pretty card: behind each of the “windows” is a little love note.

 Valentine's day, erotic art London, Roitman

LEFT: a painting by an artist called Esther which my parents discovered in a gallery in St Paul de Vence many moons ago. I nagged them for years to give it to me, and they finally capitulated. I have since tried to get information about Esther, but to no avail. CENTRE: My parents were both writers, and collaborated on an erotic book for women together. It was published in France as Le Nid du L’Oriot or The Oriole’s Nest. I’ll say it now, it’s never a good idea to read an erotic book penned by your parents!  RIGHT: I found this baby in Kerala, India: it’s a Kama Sutra pop-up. I won’t give you a zoomed look-in as it is quite audacious!

Ode to a Prince

Albert Memorial, Kensington, Valentine's day, erotic art London

Albert Memorial, Nicolas de Cameret (Flikr)

I have to end my post with a less cynical view of romance: The Albert Memorial. Shah Jahan may have commissioned the Taj Mahal as the mother of all shrines for his love, Mumtaz Mahal, but we Londoners also have a shiny, incandescent masterpiece of our own in Kensington Gardens.  OK, ours didn’t require 120,000 artisans and it didn’t cost the equivalent of $827 million, but I think the Albert Memorial pulsates with Victoria’s love for her prince, who died prematurely of typhoid fever at the age of 42. Designed by George Gilbert Scott, the memorial took ten years to complete and cost a mere £10 million.

 Happy Valentine’s Day to all you Cupids and Venuses out there!


Born in Paris. Made in London. Teller of London Tales.


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